


Ask GGAD

by AlbusGellertAlways



Series: Grindeldore Oneshots [21]
Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Gay Relationship, Crack, GGAD - Freeform, Gay Disaster Albus Dumbledore, Gay sex experts, Grindeldore, Humor, M/M, Sexual Humor, Summer 1899, Teen Romance, Young Albus Dumbledore, Young Gellert Grindelwald, newspaper column
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2020-06-25 15:50:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19748884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlbusGellertAlways/pseuds/AlbusGellertAlways
Summary: Albus and Gellert needed a break from writing their manifesto so they decided to start an anonymous sex advice column for fellow young wizards inclined towards the same sex.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Litsetaure](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Litsetaure/gifts), [IhaveAbadfeelingAboutThis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IhaveAbadfeelingAboutThis/gifts).



> A/N: Insanity has clearly struck my brain. I need to go work on the next CTB chapter which is half done. Dear plotbunnies, leave me alone!

_Disclaimer: JKR owns it._

_.~._

_Ask GGAD_

.~.

Albus and Gellert needed a break from writing their manifesto so they decided to start an anonymous sex advice column for fellow young wizards inclined towards the same sex. Gellert had certain several questionable correspondents and Albus really didn’t want to know how his boyfriend met them. However, they were useful contacts in getting their column out there in a secret underground newspaper, which was enchanted to look like a magizoologist magazine.

The young wizards in question were cuddled up on the living room couch in Bathilda Bagshot’s lovely home, with Albus' head resting in Gellert's lap. (The famous author was out for the day, leaving the young teenagers home alone.) Several insistent taps on the window alerted Albus and Gellert to the owls that had gathered outside. Albus reluctantly left the warm comfort of Gellert’s arms to open the window, wand at the ready to bring their mail inside.

“Look, Gell, we got all sorts of response letters to our advert,” Albus crowed as he levitated them over to the couch and dumped them on the floor. 

“I told you we'd get plenty of responses,” said Gellert, leaning over to give his boyfriend a quick kiss. 

“This was a great idea, Gell.” Albus beamed at Gellert, smiling dreamily at the blonde. 

“See, I know how to take a break from working. I know how to have fun,” Gellert insisted, absently fingering the tiny golden Deathly Hallows charm that hung around his neck. Albus wore its twin around his own neck, along with their blood pact pendant which they shared. 

“I do appreciate it,” said Albus. “Sometimes these discussions where I disagree about your violent policies towards muggles can get a bit exhausting. You’re lucky you have me to temper you.”

“Yes, well…” Gellert uncomfortably cleared his throat. “Let’s get started. You’re the writer, I’ll let you do the responding. I’ll just give you suggestions that you may or may not wish to use.”

“That sounds perfect,” said Albus. “I’m glad you trust me so completely.”

They sifted through their massive pile of mail, tearing open the red seals and scanning the contents of the letters.

“This one’s pretty basic,” said Gellert with a chuckle. “Dear GGAD, how do you know if you like men?”

“That’s a good one to start with.” Albus scooted down towards the coffee table, needing a flat surface. Then he grabbed a clean sheet of parchment, an inkwell, and a quill and prepared to respond. 

_I knew I liked men when I kept getting little fluttery feelings in my stomach when an attractive boy walked past me at school. I wanted to impress several of my good-looking male classmates with my dueling skills while I couldn’t care less if I impressed the girls. Also, if you find yourself having fantasies about wanting to kiss a cute boy, that’s a key sign. But don’t worry, you can come to terms with the fact that you are different and I believe you will find love someday. -AD_

Gellert read over Albus’ shoulder and cringed. “Merlin, Albus, that’s way too long. You should keep your answers short and sweet. Here, like this.” Gellert grabbed the parchment without asking and stole the quill from Albus’ hands before writing his answer below Albus’. He didn’t have a flat surface to write on so the words were written at an angle. 

_If you find yourself dreaming about sticking your dick down a hot guy’s throat, you’re most definitely a homosexual. -GG_

“That’s rather crude,” Albus protested. 

“Yes, but it answers the question.” Gellert winked at his boyfriend. “Did you expect anything less from me?” 

“Right, moving on,” said Albus. He opened a few letters and skimmed the contents, looking for a question that really caught his eye.

“Here’s an interesting one,” said Gellert. “Dear GGAD, when you have the anal sex in your partner, can you feel his cum while it shoots into you?”

Albus sighed. “ _The_ anal sex? Well, we did say they could ask us anything. Here, hand me the parchment.” The elder wizard jotted down an answer.

_Thank you for your… interesting question. No, unfortunately I’m afraid I can’t tell. I just feel a general warmth but I haven’t detected anything different during my partner’s emission. -AD_

Gellert groaned. “That’s a horrible answer! We’re not going to keep a following if you answer like that.” He accioed a quill and added his own contribution.

_Don’t listen to him. When AD comes inside me, I can feel every spurt of his hot seed inside me. -GG_

“That’s a very… creative answer, Gellert. Here’s another one,” said Albus. “Dear GGAD, were you good at giving your first blow job or did it take a bit to learn how to do it well?”

_Good question. Honestly, I was quite terrible at it. I was so worried that I was going to accidentally hurt GG with my teeth that I kept pulling off and asking GG if he was alright. He got so fed up with me that he couldn’t even maintain an erection and stormed off in a huff. It really takes about a month of practice to feel like you can consistently do it well. Be sure to try different positions so you can find one that doesn’t hurt your jaw as much. -AD_

“Albus, they don’t actually want real advice!” Gellert rolled his eyes. “Give me that.” 

_Apparently it depends on the person. I have always been extremely skilled at giving blow jobs. I’ve never had any complaints. I was able to deepthroat my first partner without choking once. And I swallowed all of it on the first try. I guess it’s just a hidden talent I was born with. -GG_

“I happen to know that’s not true,” said Albus, hiding a smile. “Sometimes you still choke.”

“I’m not telling them that,” Gellert protested. “They must believe I’m a sex god or else this column is all for naught.”

“I thought we were doing this out of the goodness of our hearts to educate our fellow homosexual wizards,” said Albus. 

“Oh right - that’s the real reason,” said Gellert, gently kissing Albus’ hand as he turned up the charm. “Of course it is, darling.” 

“Uh huh. How about this one?” Albus picked out another letter. “He wants to know what our first time was like.”

“That’s not even a question.” Gellert rolled his eyes. 

Albus ignored him and wrote a response.

_Our first time was memorable to say the least. I was so nervous that it was hard for me to relax. GG had to ply me with chocolate, and give a heartfelt speech about how much he loved me to calm me down and kiss me senseless before I was ready to participate on the receiving end. Truly, having him enter you is a very weird feeling and it can be painful at first so make sure to have extra lube on hand. It took a few tries until I could truly enjoy it, but that’s all part of the experience. Seeing what you and your partner like and don’t like, baring your soul to them, and reveling in the vulnerability of the act is simply beautiful. -AD_

“No, no, Albus,” Gellert complained after he read Albus’ answer. “That doesn’t fit. Here, I got this.” 

_It was perfect. -GG_

“Gellert, you can’t tell them that!” Albus cried after he read what his boyfriend had written. He swatted Gellert's head, who protested loudly. “They’ll expect this fairy tale beautiful experience and when that doesn’t happen they’ll be disappointed and think there’s something wrong with them.”

“So?” Gellert shrugged.

Albus just shook his head in exasperation. “Let’s move on.” 

“Merlin, we’ve gotten this question several times,” said Gellert as he sifted through the letters. 

“Let me see.” Albus gently took the letter out of Gellert’s hands. “Dear GGAD, how often do you come at the same time?” 

Albus wrote a quick reply.

_We’ve only known each other for a couple of months, so we haven’t quite mastered that. But I’m certain with a lot of practice, we might be able to manage it although I’m told it is a rare feat. -AD_

“Might be able to manage it?” Gellert scoffed. “That makes us sound like amateurs.”

“Gellert, we _are_ amateurs. I’m being realistic,” said Albus. “You should try it sometime.”

“Speak for yourself,” Gellert countered. 

“You had a grand total of two fumbling encounters at school before you met me,” Albus reminded him. “It’s not like you’ve got years of experience.”

“Yes, but we are supposed to be sexperts, remember?” Gellert reached out to squeeze Albus’ thigh, who jumped at the touch as Gellert knew all of his ticklish spots by now. “We shouldn’t say anything that makes us look inexperienced.” Gellert added his own answer underneath Albus’.

_Don’t listen to AD, he’s just trying to make you feel better about yourself. We always come at the same time. -GG_

“You are deliberately spreading misinformation.” Albus gave his boyfriend a disapproving look.

“No, I’m just stretching the truth a little.” Gellert smiled sweetly at him. “You’re taking this way too seriously.”

“And you’re not,” Albus countered.

Gellert rolled his eyes. “Pick another question.”

Albus chose a new letter and opened it. “Oh, you’ll like this one,” said Albus, blushing a bit. “Dear GGAD, does penis size matter?” Albus scribbled down a quick reply.

_Absolutely not. As long as you love your partner, you will find a way to enjoy being intimate regardless of their size. -AD_

“Albus! How can you say that? It makes it sound like I have a small dick!” Gellert wailed, grabbing Albus by the shoulders and shaking him.

“No, it doesn’t,” Albus said calmly, twisting out of Gellert’s grip. 

Gellert shuddered. “At least add a postscript clarifying you’re not actually referring to me in your response.” 

“No!” Albus crossed his arms as he glared at Gellert. “I’m trying to inform these poor clueless young wizards so they don't feel so alone and you’re just trying to feed your massive ego. You know what? That’s enough questions for now. I need something to drink.”

“Quite right,” said Gellert, noting that Albus had thrown the piece of parchment aside before heading towards the kitchen. He added one last comment before carelessly tossing the paper aside, planning to return to it later. 

_Yes. And by the way, mine’s massive. -GG_

.~.

THE END… for now. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Albus and Gellert answer more questions. Gellert gets a little more personal this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks for all your comments, kudos, and sex/romance questions!!! I think I answered most of them.

Disclaimer: JKR owns it.

.~.

Chapter 2

.~.

“Gellert, we received more letters!” Albus announced as he fed the flock of owls that had come to deliver the morning mail. 

“I told you we would,” said Gellert, who was lounging on the living room couch. “Bathilda’s gone for a few hours if you want to answer our next batch.”

“I’d love to, Gell.” Albus knowingly smiled at his boyfriend, who winked in response. “I just didn’t think that it would be so soon. Our first sex column was published only yesterday.”

Albus floated the stack of letters over to the couch so they could examine them together. He and Gellert slowly went through them, breaking the seals and tossing the envelopes off to the side so they could read each one. 

Albus noted that they not only received more questions but also many thank-you letters. As he read some of the letters, Albus teared up a bit when he read that their column had made their readers not feel so alone in coming to grips with their sexuality. The auburn-haired wizard was thrilled that their little endeavor had been so successful. He truly wished to educate his fellow homosexual wizards about what a healthy sexual relationship looked like, though he surmised that Gellert was doing it for mainly for amusement.

So Albus wasn’t too surprised when Gellert fell off the couch laughing as he clutched at one of the letters. “Albus, listen to this question! Have you done the doggy style?”

Albus blushed all the way to his roots. “I’m not answering that question.”

“Why not?” Gellert pouted. “There’s nothing wrong with doggy style.”

“Yes, but it can be seen as degrading,” Albus reminded him. “I don’t want them to get the wrong idea about us.”

Gellert chuckled. “Albus, it’s a sex column, not a morality convention. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with doggy style – it’s a position just like any other. At least answer the question. Our readers need to know!”

Albus rolled his eyes. “Very well.” He summoned all the necessary accouterments needed for writing a response. He grabbed his quill, dipped it in ink, and began to write on a blank sheet of parchment. 

_Yes, we have ‘done the doggy style’, and I am blushing right now as I write this. -AD_

“Merlin, Albus, you need to be more descriptive than that,” Gellert groaned. “Here, let me.” He grabbed his own quill and stole Albus’ parchment so he could add his riveting answer. 

_AD is blushing because he’s remembering how much he loved me fucking him like an animal into the mattress. -GG_

“ _Gel_ lert,” Albus moaned as he read over his boyfriend’s shoulder. “That’s an over-exaggeration.”

Gellert smirked. “Is it? I know how much you enjoy it, Albus.”

“Yes, but they don’t need to know that!”

“Why not?” Gellert frowned. “I thought that was the whole point of this, to educate young gay wizards about sex.”

“It is, but we don’t have to go into too much detail about our personal sex lives.”

“At least include your hang-ups about the position and how we moved past them,” Gellert advised. He leaned over to kiss Albus’ forehead. “I think that will really help them.”

“Alright,” Albus agreed, rather begrudgingly as he took back the parchment. 

_I had some issues with this position at first because I couldn’t see GG’s face and that scared me. It really helped that he talked to me throughout, that starting out he entangled his fingers in my hair and he took a little break to kiss my cheek. The more relaxed the person on the receiving end is, the better for both of you. And, ultimately, I’m glad I tried this position. -AD_

“That’s an excellent response,” said Gellert as he squeezed Albus’ hand in reassurance. 

“Let me pick one this time,” said Albus. He grabbed one out of the pile and read it. “Ah, here we go. What is your most embarrassing sexual experience?”

“That’s a stupid question,” Gellert complained.

“No, it’s not. You just don’t want to answer,” Albus countered. “Fine, I’ll start.”

_I’d just had a spectacular orgasm but instead of slowly calming, I started to bawl. I think I scared GG a little. I was so upset over family issues that it came out unexpectedly. Once I finally calmed down, I could barely look at him, I was so horrified. But he held me through it and told me it was okay that I cried and that he would always stay with me which really helped. My advice is, if you’ve got something weighing on your mind, talk about it first before jumping into bed. You just never know what the effects might be if you don’t. -AD_

“That’s my Albus, writing a book like usual,” said Gellert when he saw Albus’ answer.

“Just answer the question, Gell,” said Albus, hiding a smile as Gellert jotted down a reply.

_I don’t get embarrassed, I’m very confident in my sexual abilities. -GG_

Albus glared at his boyfriend before adding,

_Liar! Everyone gets embarrassed about something. It’s normal. GG, answer for real. -AD_

Gellert protested by finally added something honest with his next response.

_Fine, I was embarrassed when I accidentally farted during sex. -GG_

“Ugh, I hate being vulnerable,” said Gellert, crossing his arms and glowering at Albus as he gave him the parchment. “It gives me the creeps.”

Albus beamed at his boyfriend as he responded. “There, was that so hard?”

“Yes, actually,” said Gellert, grumbling during his breath. “I thought this was supposed to be fun.”

“It IS fun,” said Albus, adding another line.

_It wasn’t a big deal, I just laughed and we kept going. -AD_

“And… moving on to the next question,” said Gellert, picking one at the top of the pile. “How do I come out to my family?”

“Oh, tough question,” said Albus. “But I don’t really have an answer. I haven’t come out to anyone.”

“Then write that.”

Albus did before passing the parchment to Gellert, who was the one to write a book this time.

_Unfortunately, I’m not out to my family. I don’t think they would take it well. -AD_

_I came out to an older relative and she has been incredibly supportive of me and of my relationship with AD. As for coming out, try to do it as gently as possible. I sat my relative down on the couch and told her I needed to tell her something that might be rather shocking. I then informed her that I was attracted to men but that I was still the same person I always have been. She just chuckled and said that she already knew that. I got really lucky. -GG_

“We are incredibly lucky that Bathilda supports us and doesn’t try to keep us apart,” said Albus.

“I know,” Gellert said quietly. “I don’t know where we could go if she didn’t let us use her house.”

“We’d find a way somehow,” said Albus. “I’d never give you up.”

Gellert’s expression softened. “I don’t ever want to live without you. Not now, that we’ve known such happiness.”

“It’s lovely, isn’t it?” Albus gave Gellert a quick kiss before continuing on with his task. “New question,” said Albus, picking another letter. “Ooh, you’ll like this one. How can I get married?”

_Unfortunately, it is not possible for two wizards to get married at this time. However, you can make your own vows to each other. Or you could have a friend officiate a ‘blessing of your relationship’ ceremony and invite people you trust. Or you could buy each other unobtrusive jewelry. Please don’t make Unbreakable Vows, those are dangerous. -AD_

Gellert snorted. “There’s nothing wrong with Unbreakable Vows, you were just too chicken to make one.”

“Breaking an Unbreakable Vow results in death,” Albus said sternly. “They shouldn’t ever be used, no matter what the situation.”

“I totally would’ve done it if you’d let me,” Gellert sighed. “What a missed opportunity.”

“Luckily we found a safer way.”

“True. It was a rather unique solution.” Gellert jotted down an answer.

_If you are absolutely certain your relationship is for life, you can make a magical blood pact. That is more binding than any marriage ceremony. The only issue is who gets to wear the pendant that holds your mixed drops of blood. Not that I’d know anything about that. -GG_

“Does my answer make it sound like we made a blood pact?” Gellert wanted to know.

“Nah, I think you’re good,” said Albus. “How about this? What position do you recommend the most?”

“Yes, I love the sex questions,” Gellert announced with glee.

“Really, I couldn’t tell,” Albus said, sarcasm dripping from his voice as he wrote his answer. Then he passed it on to Gellert.

_I’d recommend finding a ‘go to’ position that you know has the highest probability of orgasm, if that is something you want to experience that day. (This is different for everyone.) While on that subject, orgasm isn’t necessarily the goal of a sexual experience. Sure, it’s quite enjoyable but the main reason you have a sexual encounter is to feel close to your partner and foster your emotional connection through physical touch. -AD_

_Don’t listen to his romantic BS. It’s all about the orgasm. -GG_

“Gell, that’s not true,” Albus griped. “What about the emotional connection? Don’t you think that’s important? It’s _all_ about the orgasm?” Albus teared up and his shoulders shook as his voice started to rise. “Was our relationship based on this lie? Is giving you orgasms all I’m good for? Don’t you want me for me?”

“Of course I do, darling,” said Gellert, trying to placate his rather distressed boyfriend by gently rubbing his hands up and down his heaving shoulders. “Albus, come on - I’m only joking. That’s part of my sex column personality. Surely you’ve figured that out by now.”

“Oh,” Albus said lamely, the tension in his shoulders quickly melting away. “Right, I knew that. Sorry.”

“Did you really?” Gellert teased as he gave his boyfriend a quick kiss. “I swear, Albus, you take things so personally sometimes.”

“I’m afraid so,” said Albus with a blush. “I didn’t mean to overreact, I was just worried. I know how much you enjoy our sexual intimacy, but for me that’s not the most important thing in our relationship, it’s just one of the many aspects.”

“I know.” Gellert took Albus’ hands in his and slowly intertwined their fingers. “Our connection is the most important thing, like this. Now can we get back to the questions?”

Albus nodded.

“Here’s a good one where you can give an excellent answer,” Gellert announced. “What position do you find to be the most romantic?”

Albus’ eyes grew misty as he wrote his response and gave to Gellert to answer.

_I really enjoy the position where I’m sitting on GG and we’re face to face. That way we have three points of contact. He can caress my chest and we get to make out as well! It’s very romantic because I can stare deeply into his eyes as he rocks up into me. Sometimes it brings tears to my eyes. -AD_

_Unlike AD, I actually know what this position is called, the Sofa Surprise. I wouldn’t say it’s my favorite. Any position is my favorite at long as it feels good. -GG_

Albus shook his head. “Your responses are so egotistical.”

“All part of my charm, love,” said Gellert with a little wink. “Next question?”

Albus rummaged through the pile. “I found another sex question,” Albus informed his boyfriend. “Where do you have sex most of the time? That’s an easy answer.” He wrote an answer before giving the parchment to Gellert.

_-I’m afraid we’re pretty boring. We usually stick to the bedroom because we don’t want to disturb GG’s family. -AD_

_-AD conveniently left out what we’ve done when my family is away. We’ve done all kinds of things on the living room couch. I’ve AD bent over the kitchen table on one memorable afternoon. And there was this one time in a barn that was the most erotic moment of my life. Sex tip: Make sure to bring a blanket if you want to get down and dirty in a barn, as straw is a rather uncomfortable surface. -GG_

“Not sure you had to share all that, but excellent reply with the sex tip and all,” Albus said, nodding approvingly at Gellert. “You’re really getting the hang of this.”

Gellert picked a new letter. “I think you might find this one rather intrusive. How often do you have sex?”

“I’d rather not answer that,” said Albus. “It’s too personal.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, our readers need to know what’s a normal amount of sex,” Gellert insisted before writing his reply.

_Every day, sometimes twice a day. -GG_

“Gellert!” Albus protested. “That’s not true! Give me that!” He snatched the parchment from Gellert’s hands.

_We actually have sex about three times a week as we are quite young, but of course above the consenting age (consent is imperative). I’m told that’s high, that most couples have sex once a week. GG wishes it was every day, but that’s just not realistic for someone like me who is constantly stressed out with pressing responsibilities. On those days, we enjoy cuddling on the couch. – AD_

“Cuddling? Gah, my reputation!” Gellert shuddered before adding his rebuttal. Unfortunately, Albus had an excellent counterpoint. 

_I pretend to enjoy the cuddling for AD’s sake. -GG_

_Then why do you usually initiate it? -AD_

_No comment. -GG_

“You love cuddling with me,” said Albus, snuggling up to Gellert, who automatically pulled him into his arms. 

“Yeah, but they don’t have to know that,” Gellert mumbled as he kissed the top of Albus’ head. “I’m trying to build up a reputation here, not come off as a softy.”

“Of course you are,” said Albus as he reached for a new question. He gave a little giggle before reading, “How loud is too loud?” He shifted in Gellert’s arms so he could write a response.

_I like to hear GG, it adds to my enjoyment of the experience if I know he is really into it. He can be as loud as he wants as long as we cast the proper sound-proofing spells. -AD_

Gellert grinned wickedly before he added his perspective.

_So, AD is a screamer. And I mean he’s as loud as a banshee. It does hurt my ears a bit, but I don’t really mind. I can endure a little discomfort because I want my partner to let go utterly and completely. I know this is something he needs and I want to support that. -GG_

“I don’t know how you could write something so embarrassing and sweet at the same time,” said Albus with a sigh.

“That’s because I’m extremely gifted,” Gellert shot back before he reached for another letter. “Is it important to try new positions? Here, you can respond first.”

“Thanks,” said Albus, twirling the quill in his hands before starting to write. Then he handed it off to Gellert.

_New positions are fun, but I find it is most important that your emotional connection with your partner is strong. If this isn’t the case, no new position is going to help you connect with them in bed. -AD_

_-If you don’t spice things up in the bedroom, you run the risk of having your partner get bored with you and move on. So, yes, it’s very important. Be sure to keep reading our column for bedroom tips to make certain your partner stays interested. -GG_

“GELLERT!” Albus smacked his boyfriend in the head after he read what Gellert wrote. “What is wrong with you? We don’t want to scare our readers.”

“Yeah, but if we started charging for the newspaper, we could use the funds to pay for our revolution,” Gellert whined. “We really could use the money.”

“We can ask for donations, but that’s it,” Albus put his foot down and Gellert knew better than to argue.

“Fine.” Gellert stuck his tongue out at his boyfriend. “You’re no fun.”

Albus grabbed the paper and quickly added to Gellert’s answer before letting his boyfriend respond as well.

_That’s not true. If your partner leaves you because of that, you are better off without him. -AD_

_Fine, it’s not true. Still, it’s fun to spice things up. -GG_

“Last question,” said Albus. “I need to stretch my legs after this. “Oh no,” Albus groaned as he read the letter. “Not this question.”

“Let me see,” said Gellert. He started to guffaw. “Oh, this is just too good! How do you feel about public sex? Go ahead, liebling.”

Albus gave his very strict opinion on the matter before letting Gellert add to it.

_Don’t do it. Any amount of fleeting pleasure is not worth getting caught by the authorities or experiencing an anxiety attack. -AD_

_You should try it at least once. AD let me take him one time in a graveyard on a very specific grave marked with a specific symbol. That was hot. -GG_

_I never should’ve agreed to it and it’s never happening again, no matter how much you pester me. -AD_

_Spoilsport. -GG_

“Well, all in all, I think this morning has been a very productive one,” said Albus as he placed their replies in an envelope and addressed it to Gellert’s friend who printed the newspaper. “Don’t you think?”

“I think all this talking about sex has gotten me in the mood,” said Gellert, waggling his eyebrows. 

“Oh really?” Albus said coyly. “Meet you in the bedroom!” Gellert watched as his boyfriend bounded up the stairs, his tight trousers showing off his perfectly round arse.

“Best day ever,” Gellert muttered as he made a mental note to give their response letter to his owl before racing up the stairs after Albus. 

_The End_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please leave more questions and I’ll answer them in another chapter. I’m having so much fun I’m going to continue this. It’s nice having something lighthearted to write as CTB is getting really dark and heavy right now.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GGAD answer more questions but this time Gellert opens up a little more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: GGAD are back in a new installment! They are here to answer all of your questions pertaining to wizard sex and romance. I tried to answer most of the questions in the comments from last time. Enjoy!
> 
> Also, Jamie Campbell Bower, you got called out for your silly picture! 
> 
> I'm almost done with the next chapter of CTB but I wanted to post something tonight, so here you go.

Chapter 3

.~.

_The next day_

“Gell, look - we got more letters!” Albus called. 

“Eggggggggcellent!” Gellert rubbed his hands together in glee as he casually flopped down on Bathilda’s couch. His great aunt was out for the morning, giving him some alone time with his boyfriend.

Albus shuddered as he easily floated the letters over, his wand outstretched. “Don’t do that, you sound like an evil genius.” He settled down next to Gellert on the squishy cushions, making sure their legs were brushing. 

“I _am_ an evil genius.” Gellert waggled his eyebrows, causing Albus to chuckle at the ridiculous action. 

“You’ll do anything to get my attention,” Albus complained. “Remember that time you took those carrot sticks from the kitchen, stuck them up your nose, and barked like a walrus?”

“You were looking so sad about your siblings, I thought I’d cheer you up,” said Gellert. “And it worked! You couldn’t stop laughing.”

“You’ve set the bar very low in terms of entertainment,” said Albus, but he was smiling. “Hmm, I wonder what questions our inquisitive readers have for us.” He tore open a letter but Gellert stilled his hand and stopped him from reading it.

“Hey!” Albus whined. “What is it? Do you want even more attention?”

“Now why would you ever think that?” Gellert sounded hurt.

Albus gave him a look. “Because you’re a massive attention whore.”

“Not true!” Gellert lied through his teeth. “I just wanted to try this a little differently this time.”

Albus was intrigued. “What do you have in mind?”

“I think we should just write down our answers to the questions and pass it on to each other without talking. Then we can write our reactions and our readers would get a more accurate sense of our answering process. And it should go faster.”

“I’m willing to try it,” said Albus, but then he narrowed his eyes at his boyfriend. “But if you make me sound stupid, we’re starting over.”

“Now when have I ever done that?” Gellert winked.

Albus rolled his eyes. “Which instance do you want me to cite? I have at least ten in recent memory.”

“Let’s not get caught up in semantics,” Gellert said hurriedly. “Why don’t we get started?”

Gellert picked a letter at random and read the question before replying and passing it on to Albus, who then added his answer. They sorted through the letters using this system, although sometimes Albus would reply first and Gellert would follow. Almost every time Albus was about to unleash his displeasure with Gellert’s answers, but Gellert shook his head and motioned to his quill. Albus had agreed to duke this out on paper, which is what they did. They managed to get through ten questions before they called it quits. 

Letter One: 

Do you send racy owls to each other on days that you don't see each other?

_We try to see each other every day, but there have been a few agonizing days that I can’t see him. I might’ve written him a suggestive owl or two. -AD_

_I have a whole box of racy owls that AD has sent me. Sometimes he sends them in the middle of the night. AD can be very creative while coming up with other words for cock. My favorite was when he said he wanted me to ride his Death Stick or his Wand of Destiny, for a secret reason known only to us. He knows exactly what I like and that really turns me on. -GG_

Letter Two:

What are some tips for giving amazing blowjobs?

_Don’t expect to be great at it when you’re first starting out. Be very mindful of your teeth, they can really hurt if you accidentally scrape them against his penis. Also, I know everyone glorifies deep throating, but it’s more difficult than it sounds. Each time I performed fellatio on GG, I made it a personal challenge to go down just a little bit more. Finally after a month, I could take him all the way in my mouth. You also need to remember to breathe through your nose during that act, and that takes a little time to master. -AD_

_Nobody says ‘fellatio’ anymore, AD. You’re such a prude. Also, it’s imperative to make sure you convince your partner to swallow or else the quality of the experience is ruined. -GG_

_Oh really? I tried that once, choked, and it got all over the bed. It is possible to do, I’m told, but GG told me he doesn’t mind that I spit, as long as I come right back and hold him through the afterglow. -AD_

_I feel called out. -GG_

Letter Three: 

What is GG’s favorite position? He evaded the question last time.

_You are very observant. I finally let AD take me for the first time a few days ago. I don’t know if it’s my favorite position, but I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would. I told AD not to hold back, but he insisted on treating me like I was made of glass. It was very annoying. -GG_

_It was your first time, you were terrified, and I did all I could to be gentle and make sure you knew you were loved. -AD_

_There’s no need to make up lies about me to make yourself look good. -GG_

_I’m not lying. Sex tip: Please be sure to always check in with your partner verbally when trying something new in bed. Also look for facial cues or wincing, as they might not want to tell you if they don’t like something if they have a complex about looking weak. -AD_

_I hate you. -GG_

_You don’t. Just the opposite. -AD_

_You’re right. -GG_

Letter Four:

Do you use magic during sex?

_Every time with AD is magic. -GG_

_Aw, that’s sweet, darling, but it doesn’t answer the question. We don’t use magic a lot because it is rather intense. But sometimes I let GG use magic to hold me down. There are times when I enjoy being completely at his mercy. Sex tip: Only do this if you completely trust your partner and have a safe word just in case you want to stop. -AD_

_AD is right, it can be very intense, almost too intense. We save it for special occasions. Sex tip: Use caution when using magic that enhances your pleasure. Sometimes it can lead to coming prematurely. Not that this has ever happened to me. -GG_

Letter Five:

How do you know if your partner is ‘the one’?

_Because he gives great head. -GG_

_GG, I SWEAR. -AD_

_Fine! For me, it was when I experienced vis- er, let’s call them horrible nightmares and AD didn’t judge, he just held me and helped me to calm down even as I was raving and shaking with fear. I’d never met anyone that did that for me. I knew then that I could trust him with anything. That’s how I knew he was the one. -GG_

_GG, you’re going to make me cry. Um, what was I writing? Ah, how did I know he was the one? This may sound cheesy but the moment I first touched GG’s hand, it was as if lightning had struck. Then I looked into his eyes and I lost my heart to him forever. -AD_

_The funny part is, he’s not making it up. -GG_

Letter Six:

How do you know if you’re ready to have sex?

_As long as you feel you can trust the other person not to murder you in your sleep or steal your possessions, you should be good. -GG_

_By Merlin, GG, tell them the truth! -AD_

_You go first. -GG_

_Very well. I suppose it’s different for everyone. I’ve had people tell me they enjoy the thrill of one night stands, and it this is you, please remember to cast the proper protection spells before jumping into bed. But if you are someone looking for an emotional connection with your partner, I’d strongly advise against one night stands. I’ve had friends tell me they regretted losing their virginity to someone that they weren’t in love with and that they hated themselves the next day. Oftentimes alcohol was involved which clouded their decision. I wish to spare anyone from this pain if I can._

_For me, I needed to be in a relationship before I took such a big step. I wasn’t ready to trust someone with my heart until I knew they were absolutely committed to me long term. Luckily GG was willing to wait for me, and that’s the best feeling in the world._ -AD

_For me, I chose not to go all the way with anyone before AD because when I did have fumbling encounters with acquaintances at school, they would tell me that a pretty boy like me was only good for was sucking cock and I felt used. AD says that I needed an emotional connection with my partners but I’m not sure that’s accurate. -GG_

_It’s accurate. You said so last week. – AD_

_Nobody likes a blabbermouth. -GG_

Letter Seven:

How can you ask your partner if they’re ready to take things to the next level?

_You should be as blunt as possible. Just casually ask them if they want to bang. -GG_

_Never say this bluntly. Plan out exactly what you’re going to say in your head. Sit them down on the couch, hold their hand, and tell them you want to ask an emotionally charged question. Be sure to preface it with, if you don’t want to I won’t pressure you or I won’t love you any less if you say no. Then, tell them that, as an expression of your love and commitment, you wish to go all the way. Make sure you get a clear ‘yes’ or ‘no’. They might say ‘not yet’ and that is absolutely fine. If they say yes, don’t just jump into bed, make a plan first. Figure out who is going to be on the top and the bottom. Decide where you want to do the deed and make sure it is a safe place away from prying eyes. Make sure you have enough lubricant and a towel nearby. Most importantly, confirm once again that he’s ready. Then the fun can begin! -AD_

_This is why I’m the spontaneous one in this relationship. -GG_

Letter Eight:

Does it hurt the first time?

_-Not if you do it right and use lots of lube. -GG_

_-GG, that’s a cop out answer if I ever heard one. I experienced some discomfort during my first time but GG was very patient as he stretched me and let me get used to the sensation. We started with ‘just the tip’ and after that I asked him to stop, which he immediately did. I felt bad but he assured me he didn’t mind. We tried again the next night. This time I wasn’t as scared, I was more relaxed and we managed it. I was a little sore afterwards but I didn’t really mind. -AD_

Letter Nine:

How do you know if your crush is interested in men?

_That is a very good question, as homosexual behavior is forbidden by Wizarding law at present. GG and I are hoping that we can take certain steps to change that law for the greater good. But for now, let’s see. When you shake hands with your crush, watch to see if their hand trembles or they blush profusely. -AD_

_I didn’t do that, you did. -GG_

_Also, look to see if they give you a look like they want to devour you. That’s what gave GG away, that and his almost desperate attempts to get me to spend time with him. -AD_

_I was not desperate, I was enthusiastic! -GG_

_It worked, I enjoyed being sought after. -AD_

_Be sure to observe their clothing. It was pretty obvious based on AD’s flamboyant fashion sense, his outrageous socks, and his proclivity to wear the color purple. -GG_

_That is a stereotype. Clothing is only one of the many factors that can help you tell if your crush is into men. If they are always trying to impress you, that could be a sign. Also, if they are acting rather ‘touchy-feely’ that could be telling. Although they might be like GG and have no respect for your personal space. -AD_

_I beg your pardon? -GG_

_Don’t bother denying it, darling. You’re in my space right now. -AD_

_Yeah, and you love it. -GG_

_I really do. -AD_

Letter Ten:

Describe your perfect date.

_-I’d say April 1 st because I can prank anyone I want and they can’t get mad due to the holiday. -GG_

_-GG, really? -AD_

_-Stop poking me in the arm! Very well, I’ll answer for real so you’ll stop pestering me. My perfect date is when AD wears extremely tight underwear and gives me a lap dance. He really has an arse to die for, trust me on that. It’s so round and pert and I love to touch it. I could probably write an ode to AD’s arse. -GG_

_-My perfect date is when GG plans a nighttime pic-nic on a clear night. It takes him hours to make all the food by hand to show me the full measure of his love. We eat out under the stars and then for dessert (which is very important) GG hand feeds me a piece of his lemon cake before we start to kiss and caress. Then we make love under the stars and I might just cry because it’s so romantic. -AD_

_He’s very high maintenance. Me, I have simpler tastes. -GG_

_Obviously. -AD_

“Well, that was fun,” said Albus with a grin as they finished up their last answers. “I think we interacted well by quill and we’ve got plenty of material for the next column. But I really should go back home and check on my siblings.”

“Wait, I’ve got one more question,” said Gellert, tossing a letter to Albus before he took him in his arms and kissed the daylights out of him. “Don’t worry, it’s a romantic question. You’ll _love_ it.”

“Aw, that’s sweet of you,” said Albus, touched by Gellert’s gesture. He has such a thoughtful and caring boyfriend. “Alright, let me see.” Albus cleared his throat. “While pleasuring yourself, have either of you stuck your wand up your…” Albus trailed off, his expression horrified before yelling, 

“GELLERT!”

End Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: If you ask nicely, GGAD might just answer that last question. I never know if I’m crossing the line or going too far, but this is all in fun. Let me know if you think I'm going too far.
> 
> Please leave more questions for me to answer next time! You have so many creative ones!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Albus and Gellert get into a fight over their manifesto and decide to answer sex questions to diffuse the tension between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks so much for all your comments and kudos!!! :) I'm still having so much fun with this one! I tried to use everyone's questions as well as a few of my own.
> 
> It starts off a little serious, but don't worry, it lightens up quickly.

Disclaimer: JKR owns it.

.~.

Chapter Four

.~.

Albus and Gellert were in a bit of a quandary when it came to their manifesto. They had a difference in ideologies and it didn’t look like they’d be resolving them anytime soon. Usually, they lay nestled together on Bathilda’s parlor couch but right now they were sitting at opposite ends with their arms crossed. Tensions could be felt between them and unfortunately, they weren’t the sexual kind.

“But I think that using the Resurrection Stone to summon an army of Inferi to stop anyone who stands in our way is a _great_ idea,” Gellert whined.

“To stop anyone?” Albus glared at him. “You mean _kill_ anyone.”

“It doesn’t necessarily have to be kill,” Gellert backtracked. “It could just mean that they are, um, gently injured.”

Albus raised his eyebrows. “You’re going to teach a group of undead zombies to only ‘gently injure’ people. Oh, yes, I can see that working out splendidly.” 

“Ugh, you’re always refuting my ideas!” Gellert glowered at his boyfriend. “I know you don’t like violence but we can’t have a pacifistic revolution, Albus. It just can’t be done.”

Albus sighed. “All this arguing is getting us nowhere. Why don’t we take a break?”

“I’m not in the mood,” Gellert shot back.

Albus rolled his eyes. “Not for that. How about we look at some more of our letters for our sex column? Our mail grows exponentially each day.”

“I could do that,” Gellert relented. “I’ll get them this time.” Gellert stood up, stretched, and collected all of their unopened letters that were amassing near the parlor window. He levitated them back to the couch and gently set them down in the space between them. 

“Can we do what we did last time?” Albus asked. “It seemed to work out well when we wrote on each other’s papers back and forth.”

“Sure,” said Gellert. His expression softened as he looked at Albus. “I’m sorry, darling. I hate fighting with you.” He reached for Albus’ hand, needing the reassurance of physical touch.

“I hate it too,” Albus said quietly. He scooted closer, took Gellert’s hand in his, and intertwined their fingers. “But that’s a part of any relationship. It can’t be all sunshine and rainbows, as much as I’d like that.”

Gellert grabbed a letter with his free hand and carefully opened it. He laughed long and hard before passing the letter to Albus, who also laughed. Both boys grabbed their quills and other necessary items before they began their responses to the letter.

Letter One:

_Dear GGAD,_

_The boy that I am secretly courting and I are fighting more as of late. Is that normal?_

Fighting, or as I prefer to say, having disagreements, is a part of any relationship. It really depends on the couple as to how much they ‘fight’ or what style they use. Some couples need to ‘word vomit’ and air all their dirty laundry before they can resolve their differences. Some couples don’t really fight per se but instead, one person gets really offended and the other one has to make several repair attempts and gestures of goodwill to make things right. I’m afraid that fighting will increase a bit after the ‘honeymoon’ stage has worn off and you realize this person you’ve been head over heels for is a complicated, flawed human being just like everybody else. I would suggest to try and always be as kind as possible even while fighting because once you say a hurtful word or expression, you can never take it back. Try not to have tough discussions right before bed when both of you are exhausted, as that might lead to a fight. But don’t worry, fighting with your beloved is totally normal. You should be fine, as long as the good moments outnumber the bad. -AD

Fighting is the worst. I hate it because I hate seeing my boyfriend so upset because of something I did or said, even if it was an accident (and it usually is). But it’s inevitable, and healthy even to get things off your chest even if it ends in a fight. However, AD almost always initiates a tough discussion right before bedtime. It’s maddening. AD, why don’t you take your own advice? -GG

I’m sorry! Sometimes I can’t sleep and I _have_ to initiate a tough discussion. -AD

Why can’t you plan ahead? You do that with everything else! -GG

Sometimes my emotions get the best of me and I can be quite maudlin before bed. GG deserves credit for calming me down and assuring me that he will always be there. He’s the best boyfriend in the world. -AD

I really am. -GG

Letter Two:

_Dear GGAD,_

_What is a love language and is it necessary that both partners have the same one in order for the relationship to last?_

Love language? Sounds like bullshit to me. -GG

What a great question! A love language is a way that you express your love or a way you show that you care for others. There are five of them.

  * Physical Touch
  * Words of Affirmation
  * Gift giving
  * Quality Time
  * Acts of Service



It is very helpful for you and your partner to identify which love language you use the most. Many people have several. It is easier if you and your partner have the same love language but it’s not necessary for the relationship to succeed. Being _aware_ of each other’s love language is half the battle. For example, if I was courting someone whose love language was gift giving, it would be helpful for me to know that, or else I might believe they were trying to buy my love when they gave me expensive gifts. Thankfully, GG and I have the same love language, physical touch. (And in fact, GG loves to invade my personal space.) Quality time is GG’s second one, and Words of Affirmation is my second one. I really appreciate it when GG compliments me on something other than my intelligence because I didn’t get a lot of that growing up. -AD

Whoops. Guess it’s not bullshit. -GG

Letter Three:

_Where do you prefer to be kissed?_

I really love it when GG kisses my forehead. It makes me feel special and loved. -AD

I enjoy when AD randomly kisses me on the cheek. It’s really adorable and though it’s a small gesture, it still has personal meaning to me. I’ll bet you thought I was going to say my dick. You were wrong! Actually, that sounds like a better answer then that mushy gushy stuff I just wrote. AD, can I change my answer? -GG

No! -AD

My first response still stands. -GG

Letter Four:

_Dear GGAD,_

_On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you really love your partner?_

I have to say, I love GG very much. I never knew how much I was missing in my life before I met him and we confessed our feelings. He is everything I’ve ever wanted and more - intelligent, driven, powerful, funny, he has a sexy voice, and he’s gorgeous. Trust me on that, Merlin, he’s so fucking gorgeous and I want to be by his side all the time. He’s a ten for me. -AD

AD is an eleven. He is utter perfection. (Except on the rare occasions when he’s cranky.) -GG

Dammit, GG. Stop trying to make me look bad! -AD

That’s my job. -GG

Letter Five:

_Dear GGAD,_

_Have you ever tried bondage? Did you like it?_

I’ve had GG tie my hands before so I could be completely at his mercy. It was very arousing and enjoyable not having control. I trust him completely and knew he’d stop if I asked. -AD

I think bondage is stupid. The idea of giving up one’s physical control to another person, even their lover, is too overwhelming for me. I can’t see myself ever trying it. -GG

You never know. One day, I might convince you. -AD 

In your dreams. -GG

Letter Six:

_Dear GGAD,_

_GG still didn’t answer the favorite position question._

Any position where I have AD begging for it and at my mercy is my favorite. -GG

He must have a very embarrassing answer because he is definitely evading the question. -AD

AD, shush. I am not! -GG

Are too. -AD

Are not. -GG

Are too. -AD

Argh! -GG

Letter Seven:

_Dear GGAD,_

_What is the most romantic thing you’ve said to one another?_

The most romantic thing GG has said to me was ‘will you come with me’. He has an, um research trip planned that will go all over the world and he asked to include me and have me by his side. I was so touched. Also, going on a trip together make things more official. -AD

The most romantic thing AD has said to me was ‘you have the biggest dick I’ve ever seen’ along with his jaw dropping in surprise the first time he saw me naked. -GG

I should probably point out that your dick is the only one I’ve ever seen. -AD

Don’t ruin this for me. -GG

Letter Eight:

_Dear GGAD,_

_How do you feel about open relationships?_

I generally feel like that’s a horrible idea because someone’s feelings are bound to end up getting hurt. I wouldn’t be able to be in an open relationship as I’d be too worried that my partner would find someone else better and leave. Not that I’m insecure about that or anything. -AD

If you are both okay with it, fine, whatever. But be sure you _really_ are okay with it. If I caught AD with someone else, I might just go on a jealous killing rampage. -GG

He’s just joking. -AD

Do you want to risk it? -GG

No. -AD

Letter Nine:

_Have you ever cross-dressed?_

No, and I don’t plan to. And I doubt AD has ever done so. -GG

I’ve been known to wear women’s silky underwear from time to time. -AD

WHAT!?!? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW? -GG

Yes, GG, I am perfectly serious. I picked them out in a witch’s lingerie catalog and had them delivered to the house in a nondescript package. I was curious about what they would look like on and I found that I like the way it feels against my skin. Oh, don’t be such a prude, GG. I think you’d look amazing in a pink lacy number. *winks* -AD

No way am I ever wearing that! -GG

Not even if I give you extra blow jobs? -AD

No! No means no! -GG

Hmm, I see I’ve rattled him. Goodness, this is quite a switch. -AD

Letter Ten:

_Dear GGAD,_

_Have you done the 69 position and if so, do you have any tips?_

Yes, we have but GG really had to convince me to try it. It was really awkward at first trying to find a comfortable position for both of us, but we made it work. Even just the slightest bit of readjusting really does help. I have to admit it feels really good and knowing you’re giving your partner pleasure at the same time really does it for me. -AD

AD is quite good at 69. The only problem is when he gets so caught up in his own pleasure that he forgets to be attentive to mine. -GG

GG, what the hell? That’s YOU, not me. -AD

Oh, right… that was me. I had to ask AD to back off a little so that I wasn’t so far gone that I couldn’t reciprocate and give amazing head. That’s one thing you can do to make sure both partners are satisfied if one of you has trouble staying focused. Once we did that, everything worked just fine. -GG

.~.

Gellert tossed the piece of parchment aside and looked expectantly at Albus. 

“Well, that was fun,” said the redhead. He beamed at Gellert. “All’s right with the world.”

Gellert snorted. “It’s too bad we can’t just do this every time we argue. Although, we did leave one question unanswered from last time. Remember?” Gellert waggled his eyebrows.

“Oh, we don’t need to answer that one,” Albus said hastily. 

“Yes we do,” Gellert said. “We must be thorough, darling. For our readers’ sakes.”

“I don’t even remember the question,” Albus fibbed. “We’ll have to look through all these letters and that would just take too much time.”

But Gellert had memorized it. “The question, my dear, is, ‘while pleasuring yourself, have either of you stuck your wand up your arse’?”

“I’m not answering that,” Albus said stubbornly.

“Aha!” Gellert snickered. “You _have_?!”

“No, I haven’t,” Albus said primly.

“But you’ve thought about it,” Gellert guessed.

“No, of course not,” said Albus, but his blush gave it away. He needed to turn the tables, and fast! “Wait, have you?”

“Maybe once or twice,” Gellert drawled. “It gave me a quite pleasurable sensation, feeling the subtle vibrating magical energy of the wood up my...you know.” He smirked at his boyfriend’s shocked look. “Are you really that surprised?”

“I guess not, knowing you,” Albus grumbled. “You’d try just about anything. I just hope that you’re being safe, that you perform the proper cleaning spells before attempting such a thing.”

But Gellert had already moved on to something even better. “Can you imagine, Albus, if we had the Elder Wand? It has those notches on it and each one gets a little bit larger in size. Talk about motivation to find the most powerful of the three Hallows! Think about how that would feel when-”

“GELLERT!”

.~.

End Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And... I went there. *winks* I've definitely sealed my own doom and I'll be going directly to Grindeldore hell after I die. But what a way to go!
> 
> Be sure to leave me more sex, romance, or relationship questions in the comments section and I'll probably choose to include it in the next chapter!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Albus and Gellert are huddled together in bed after a mind-blowing session. Gay disaster Albus surfaces, Gellert has to comfort him, and then they answer more letters. This time Gellert opens up a bit more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG you guys have been so amazing with your comments and questions! I like to limit it to ten questions per chapter, so I can't use everyone's questions, but I am saving them for future chapters, I promise. Thanks for sticking with me. I love Closer Than Brothers but sometimes I need to write something completely silly, you know?

Disclaimer: JKR owns it.

.~.

Chapter Five

.~.

“Albus, you looked a little flushed. Anything the matter?” Gellert smirked at his boyfriend, who was laying next to him on Gellert’s bed in his great-aunt’s home. (Luckily Bathilda was out for the day.) They were camped out in Gellert's bedroom upstairs, lounging in bed even though it was mid-morning. The sheets did little to hide them, as both were showing a considerable amount of skin. Their bare chests were uncovered as both men were lying on their back, the sheets pooling over their nether regions. 

Albus’ chest had a bit more color and was lightly furred. Gellert’s, on the other hand, was milky white, only marred by a small red scar on his left side from a rather unfortunate duel. His torso was chiseled to perfection whereas Albus had a tiny bit of a pouch around the middle. Thankfully Gellert found him just as attractive as Albus found Gellert, something that still astounded Albus. 

“I’m perfectly fine,” Albus claimed as Gellert slowly dragged his fingers across his chest. Gellert tweaked Albus’ little nubs, causing him to squeak.

“You make the cutest noises,” Gellert cooed as he blew on the nipple, causing Albus to shiver. 

“I am not cute,” Albus primly proclaimed. “I am handsome.”

“That too,” Gellert allowed as he reluctantly pulled his fingers away. “You’ve got sweat on your brow.”

“Oh?” Albus feigned indifference. “I didn’t notice.”

“Your hair is a complete mess,” Gellert informed him as he used his knuckle to wipe away Albus’ sheen of perspiration.

Albus nervously ran his hands through his hair, hoping that would flatten the nest of auburn curls. “Is that better?”

“Not really. My poor Albus.” Gellert clucked his tongue. “What did this to you?”

“As if you didn’t know,” Albus blushed long and hard. It hadn’t been long since they’d come down from their high and he was still feeling a bit lightheaded.

“Was it… _my dick_?” Gellert howled with laughter as Albus buried his head under one of the many pillows on their bed. “After what we just did, _this_ is what makes you embarrassed?”

“Yes,” came the muffled reply.

“Albus, you don’t have to hide from me.” Gellert sounded a tad exasperated. “It’s just us, remember? Please come out from under there.”

Albus reluctantly threw the pillow off and turned over to face Gellert. 

“What’s wrong?” Gellert asked.

Albus looked down at his hands. “I wish I could be more like you and be confident in bed.”

“You don’t want to be like me.” A shadow crossed Gellert’s face but it quickly disappeared so Albus thought he’d imagined it. “You’re perfect the way you are.” Gellert gently caressed Albus’ cheek, who leaned into the touch. 

“Thanks.”

“Of course, darling.” Then Gellert got up and stretched. 

Albus’ skin severely mourned the loss of contact. He knew he had to play this as nonchalantly as possible. “Hey, Gell, since you’re up, would you please bring some of our unopened letters up here? I think now would be a good time to respond to them.”

But Gellert just gave him a knowing look. “Albus, if you want me to stay and hold you, you don’t have to make up a reason.”

“I…” Albus’ cheeks turned crimson. “I wasn’t sure you’d want to. I didn’t want to seem needy.”

Gellert just shook his head, amused. “Of course I’d want to. You’re my little gay disaster, aren’t you? Always blowing things out of proportion.”

“No, I’m not,” Albus mumbled, even though he knew it was true.

“Albus, just so you know, I just wanted a glass of water,” Gellert informed him. “I was going to bring you one. I thought you might be thirsty too, as sometimes you complain of that after sex. Remember? And then I was going to hold you some more.” 

“Oh.” Albus blushed, regretting overreacting when Gellert was only trying to anticipate his needs. “Right.”

“But since you asked so nicely, I’ll also bring up the letters.”

“Thank you!” Albus beamed at Gellert. “You’re the best.”

“Yes I am,” Gellert agreed. He leaned over and gently kissed Albus’ nose before bounding downstairs, whistling a tune.

Albus smiled, knowing Gellert sometimes did that after a particularly mind-blowing session. 

Soon Gellert had brought up not only two silver goblets filled with water, but had also floated a large stack of unopened letters into the room.

“Wow, there’s so many!” Albus exclaimed as their mail gently fell onto the bed. “I hope we can answer most of them. Pass me my nightshirt?”

“Why do you need a nightshirt?” Gellert pouted as he placed his wand on the end table near the bed. “You look perfect the way you are.”

Albus raised an eyebrow. “You want us to answer these naked?”

Gellert shrugged as he climbed in next to Albus. “Our readers aren’t going to know.”

Albus blushed as he sat up in bed, propping a pillow behind him so he could lean up against the wooden headboard. “Very well.” He took a long sip of water before placing it aside, grateful that Gellert had taken the initiative to bring it to him. 

Using their wands, they gathered up all the necessary supplies to respond to the letters. Once again they decided to respond to each other on paper. Albus picked out the first letter and grinned when he read the question. He let Gellert pen the first response to start with, knowing he’d appreciate it. 

Letter One:

_Dear GGAD,_

_Which one of you is more dominant in bed?_

You may not have figured this out by now, but I’ll officially confirm I’m the more dominant one in bed. -GG

I’m sure they have no idea because you’ve been _so_ subtle about it. However, even if I’m not the ‘dominant one’, I am still a power bottom and you can be too! -AD

He’s very demanding. I think he forgets who wears the pants in this relationship. -GG

It’s me. -AD

It’s totally him. -GG 

Letter Two:

_Dear GGAD,_

_What is GG’s favorite position?_

I should probably cite a really complicated position where I assert my dominance, but I really like it when we do it lying on our sides. It’s very simple and easy to figure out. -GG

Yes, I enjoy this one as well. It allows for a close embrace, and intertwining of bodies, as well as kissing and the ability to watch each other's faces. GG, you romantic! -AD

I’m NOT a romantic, I just like the position. -GG

You’re fooling no one. -AD

Letter Three:

_Dear GGAD,_

_Do you want children in the future?_

Well, we haven’t really talked about it but I think having five kids and a house with a white picket fence sounds quite lovely. -AD

Absolutely no kids! That would really put a crimp in our sex life. -GG

But don’t you want to inspire our offspring how to be a powerful wizard or witch? To teach them right from wrong? How to be a leader? How to stand up for what’s right? -AD

Can you do it and I watch? -GG

That’s not how it works. -AD

Yes, dear. -GG

Letter Four:

_Dear GGAD,_

_What do you do if you unexpectedly run into your ex?_

Run like hell and hope that your boyfriend doesn’t realize who he is. -GG

Wait, has this actually happened? -AD

No, of course not! Why would you think that? -GG

Because you’re acting jumpy. -AD

No comment. -GG

Letter Five:

_What would you do if you saw your partner snogging someone else?_

If I couldn’t get away with using an Unforgivable, I would obliviate them both and move on with my life. -GG

-I would cry hysterically and ask how could they do this to me and break up our happy home with two lazy house cats who are depending on us to keep them fed. -AD

We don’t have cats, you drama queen. -GG

It’s a hypothetical situation where we might in fact have cats. -AD

Wait… do you want cats? Don’t you know I’m allergic? Would you really choose cats over me? SHOULD I BE WORRIED!?! -GG

No, of course I wouldn’t choose cats over you. Why would you think that? -AD

Oh. -GG

And I’m the drama queen. -AD 

Letter Six:

_Who is the more protective of the two?_

It’s GG. -AD

Yep, it’s totally me. -GG

Although we did need to have a discussion about the difference between being ‘possessive’ and ‘protective’. -AD

I thought they were the same thing. Turns out they’re not. -GG

Letter Seven:

_  
Dear GGAD,_

_Who initiated your first kiss?_

ME!!!!! One night a few days after we’d met, GG and I got into the firewhisky at his aunt’s house. This led to me losing my inhibitions and kissing him on a whim. I never would’ve had the courage to do it otherwise. -AD

I was worried AD was going to regret it the next day but he didn’t. I couldn’t believe how forward he was! -GG

What he’s not telling you is that it was a kiss on the cheek. -AD

Letter Eight:

_Dear GGAD,_

_What is the biggest difference between how sex is portrayed in romance or erotic stories and how it really is like?_

In real life, there’s a lot more ‘are you okay’s and ‘does this hurt’ and ‘how does that feel’ than in romance stories, which usually feature flawless, perfect sex scenes. It’s really important to check in with your partner and make sure that they like what you’re doing. That doesn’t usually come up in romance stories, but it doesn’t make sex in real life any less exciting.

Also, in romance stories, there is a lot of talking and calling out each other’s names in bed. I pride myself very highly on my word choice and I can hardly remember my own name, much less string together a coherent sentence as I am approaching orgasm. -AD

In erotic or pornographic stories, one’s partner is usually featured as being confident in their sexual prowess. In real life, one’s partner could be very shy and extremely inexperienced. That means that they need to be coaxed and reassured that they can explore their sexuality and that it’s alright to try new things even if they have the stigma of being degrading. Also, they could be rather awkward in bed at the start, and it might take them a little while to learn the ropes. But AD is a fast learner and he soon became confident in his abilities to please me. He’s very good at figuring out what I need, so much that sometimes it feels like we’re living in a romance novel. -GG

Aw, GG, that is so sweet! I always knew you were an old softie. -AD

Damn, I’ve said too much. -GG

Letter Nine:

_Dear GGAD,_

_How can you tell your boyfriend you hate his new haircut without hurting his feelings?_

You can’t. -AD

What? -GG

HOW CAN I TELL YOU HOW MUCH I HATE THAT YOU CUT YOUR BEAUTIFUL LUSCIOUS BLONDE CURLS WHEN IT WILL PROBABLY TAKE THEM A YEAR TO GROW BACK?! Not that I’m upset about this. Not at all. -AD

AD, we live in a magical world. I can grow them back within the space of a day. Literally, all you had to do was say something. -GG

But I didn’t want to pressure you. It is your hair, after all. -AD

Yes, but I’d strongly take your opinion under advisement. -GG

Oh. Right. -AD

Clearly, we’re still working on our communication skills. -GG

Letter Ten:

_Dear GGAD,_

_Do either of you have any post-sex rituals that make you feel closer to each other?_

A bit of cuddling is always nice, but I get bored if we do it for more than a few minutes. -GG

GG is _very_ affectionate after sex. He likes to kiss my cheek, run his fingers through my hair, kiss my hand, and snuggle close for _long periods of time_. I love it because he makes me feel safe and loved and I always reciprocate, which he loves. - AD

I hate my life. -GG

Also, GG usually whispers sweet nothings into my ear as I come down from my high, which helps to ground me. 

Sex tip: Be sure to ask if your partner needs or likes the same things as you. I didn’t know that it irritated GG when I whispered sweet nothings in his ear when he was coming down because I assumed he would enjoy it like I do. He finally told me and I altered my behavior. -AD

Albus placed the last letter aside and smiled happily at his boyfriend. “What’d you think, Gell?”

“It was fun, as usual. Though we barely made a dent in the pile,” said Gellert with a grin. “We’ve had such good questions it's been hard to pick.” 

“Yes, we should definitely thank our readers in the next column,” said Albus. “It makes our job so much easier.”

“Definitely,” said Gellert. He gazed at Albus with such affection, but Albus was too busy contemplating something to notice. 

“Hang on,” said Albus, with a frown. “Did we really run into one of your exes?”

Gellert’s eyes grew shifty. “Why would you think that?”

“From your response.” Albus raised an eyebrow. “I’m not stupid, Gell. You could’ve told me about him, you know.”

Gellert gave a tiny wince. “I don’t know if I’d say he was an ‘ex’ exactly. We just got together once at school to…” He whispered the rest in Albus’ ear, whose face turned crimson as he once again exclaimed,

“GELLERT!”

.~.

End Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep the romance, sex, and relationship questions coming for Albus and Gellert! They will do their best to give you an honest reply. (Well, Albus will. Who knows with Gellert.)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gellert is a terrible influence on Albus. Albus bares Gellert's embarrassing secrets. Gellert can't believe he wasn't Albus' first crush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for all of your questions and comments from last time! I tried to include some in this chapter. Also, I just posted a new chapter of Closer Than Brothers a few days ago and I was a little nervous what you guys thought about the new development. If you read that fic and you have time, would you mind leaving a quick comment? I'd really appreciate it. As much as I love silly stories like these, I've poured my heart and soul into that fic. Thanks, y'all the best! XD

Disclaimer: JKR owns it.

.~.

Chapter Six

.~.

Albus was lounging on the couch in Bathilda Bagshot’s parlor. Gellert sat next to him, pouring through a book about the greatest muggle revolutionaries. They were quite grateful that Gellert’s aunt was out doing research for her next book. The young teenagers had the house to themselves and they could be as affectionate as they wanted to. Albus had intertwined their feet as he always wanted to be touching Gellert in some way. Then a horrible thought surfaced. 

“Hey, Gell?” Albus asked.

“What?” Gellert’s nose was still stuck in the book.

“I just realized we gave out Bathilda’s address on the column.” Albus winced. “If they really wanted to, our readers could trace our location.”

“It’s still Bathilda’s house,” Gellert pointed out. “Maybe they’ll think it was her writing the column, out for a laugh?”

“Gellert, no one will believe that,” Albus said, exasperated. “It is common knowledge in the village that you live here. And your initials are GG. It wouldn’t take long for them to figure out who AD is either, considering how much time we spend together.”

Gellert shrugged. “Well, not much we can do about it now.”

“But what if someone discovers us?” Albus worried.

“We can just obliviate them. It’ll be fine.” Gellert sounded much too blasé for Albus’ taste.

“Gellert.” Albus glared at him. “That is NOT an option.”

“Fine.” Gellert waved him off. “Relax, Albie. You worry too much.”

“And you don’t,” Albus shot back as Gellert reached for his hand and chastely kissing it. “Aw, Gell, that’s sweet… hey! I’m onto you. No fair distracting me. This is a serious discussion and it requires your full attention.”

“Sure it is,” said Gellert, before kissing his way down Albus’ neck, leaving behind a few love bites. Albus faintly protested before giving himself over to the sensations. Then, when Gellert was finished, Albus realized what had happened. He went to check and glanced in the mirror in the foyer. 

“GELLERT!” Albus glared at his boyfriend as he retook his seat on the couch. “How am I supposed to explain this to Aberforth?” He indicated his neck. “I thought we were trying to keep our relationship a secret.”

Gellert rolled his eyes. “Are you a wizard or not?”

“Oh, right,” said Albus, remembering he could use a concealment charm. 

“Honestly,” said Gellert, shaking his head as Albus performed the charm. “I don’t know what gets into you sometimes.”

“You do,” Albus countered.

“Did… did you just make a dirty joke?” Gellert stared at his boyfriend, flabbergasted.

Albus’ eyes twinkled innocently. “Did I? Apparently you are a terrible influence on me.”

“On the contrary, my dear,” Gellert smirked. “I’m an _excellent_ influence on you. I’ve broadened your horizons, expanded your ways of thinking. You should really be thanking me.”

“Don’t I thank you enough?” Albus snorted.

“Yes - in all sorts of ways.” Gellert gave him a salacious grin. He pulled Albus into a bruising kiss, which Albus eagerly returned. As the kiss grew more heated, Gellert’s hand started to stealthily creep towards Albus’ crotch. 

But before they could go too far, a familiar tap sounded at the window.

Albus slowly pulled away. “We got another owl!” He disentangled himself from a protesting Gellert and went over to the window. After thanking the owl, Albus placed the letter in the mounting pile over in the armchair.

“We keep getting more questions. Who knew our column would be so successful?” 

Gellert grinned at him. “I thought it would be.”

“It seems there is a need for people like us to have their questions answered,” said Albus. “I do enjoy responding. Can we do so now? Please?”

Gellert kissed his hand. “I can deny you nothing. But after we're done, can we pick up where we left off?”

“Oh yes.” Albus blushed. “I’m quite looking forward to it.”

They retrieved all the necessary supplies for answering the letters and picked ten out of the pile. As before, as part of the fun, they wrote on each other’s responses. Gellert let Albus pick the first one, and they were off and running.

Letter One:

_Dear AD,_

_Was GG your first crush? Enquiring minds want to know!_

I’m afraid not. I have several crushes on boys at school, but nothing ever came of it. Even if I’d wanted to, I couldn’t have acted on my feelings. -AD

WHAT? I thought I was your first. Do I need to go find them and eliminate my competition? -GG

Of course not. You are my first in all things that matter. -AD

Good. I am your first and, I hope, your only love. -GG

And you are mine. -AD

That got sappy really fast. -GG

Letter Two:

_Dear GGAD,_

_What spot(s) on each of AD and GG's bodies make them melt when touched a certain way?_

GG really likes it when I nibble on his earlobe or the tip of his ear. He becomes putty in my hands when I do this, so obviously I do it often. -AD

It really affects AD when I suck on his… fingers. He’s told me that it is both calming and arousing at the same time. I think he has an oral fixation. -GG

Hush! That’s not part of the question. -AD

Yes, dear. -GG

Letter Three:

_Dear GGAD,_

_How do you deal with heartbreak?_

Thankfully, I have not had any romantic heartbreaks, but I have experienced the death of a parent. That is plenty heartbreaking. I felt like I turned into a shell of myself afterward but then soon after I met GG and he helped me remember what it was like to live again. I owe him so much and I tell him that every day. -AD

I spent most of my teen years avoiding this potentially problematic subject by closing my heart off to everyone and focusing purely on the physical. Then I met AD and everything changed. I had to decide if the potential heartbreak of a breakup was worth the chance that we’d stay together and be happy. I have to say, it was worth it. -GG

Letter Four:

  
_Dear GGAD,_

_What can you do if your family doesn't like your significant other?_

Get a new family. Or a new significant other, whichever is easier. -GG

Find a way so you can keep both. Try to communicate with your family as much as possible. Find out why they don’t like your SO. Explain to them why you love him so much. It could just be a simple misunderstanding. If not, that makes things a little more complicated. But, even if they don’t approve, hopefully they will want you to be happy and they will eventually come around. -AD

Letter Five:

 _Dear GGAD,_  
  
_My partner likes to walk around the house naked during the day, even in front of the windows. He says it doesn’t bother him. What should I do?_  
  
So he’s a bit of an exhibitionist. Lucky you! How is this a problem? -GG  
  
Propriety dictates that this is not an acceptable action. Kindly tell him that you prefer to be the only one to see him naked. Then make a rule that he must always close the shades before walking naked in front of a window. If he is a wizard, that shouldn’t be too much to ask. -AD  
  
So, AD, on that subject... -GG  
  
No. Nice try. -AD  


Letter Six:

_Dear GGAD,_

_What do I do if my SO is worried about showing me his body? He says he has a horrible scar on his chest and he’s afraid that I’ll find him so repugnant that I’ll leave, even though I’ve assured him many times that is not the case._

I wouldn’t really know. My body is the epitome of perfection. -GG

You did the right thing by assuring him that you wouldn’t care what he looks like. Sometimes attraction can be intellectual and not necessarily have much to do with the physical, which could be the case for you two. But mostly, I’d say that physical attraction won’t be an issue. If you love the person, you won’t be bothered by what they look like under their clothes. Be sure to tell him that you will love him even more when you see him naked because it shows that he trusts you. -AD

Also, GG, try again or else you’re not getting any tonight. -AD

 ~~Fine, but it’s true.~~ Not everyone wears their scars on the outside. It might help him if you share something about yourself first. Or perhaps if you haven’t already shown him your chest, you could both remove your shirts at the same time to make him feel a bit more comfortable. Or you can continuously remind him that you’d love him regardless over and over so that he gets sick of hearing it and disrobes. Not that I’ve done that or anything. -GG

That’s more like it. -AD

So am I getting any tonight? -GG

Maybe. -AD

What?! I just bared my heart! -GG

Depends on if I’m in the mood. -AD

I give up. -GG

Letter Seven:

 _Dear GGAD,_  
  
If you could have a honeymoon, where would it be?  
  
Anywhere I go on a trip with AD would feel like paradise. -GG  
  
Aw, darling, that’s so sweet! You know, we’ve actually discussed this. There's a town in France called Montmartre where people like us don’t have to hide, part of something known as the Bohemian movement. We can be free to hold hands and kiss in public. That sounds like heaven to me. -AD  
  
And while we’re there, we could even get down and dirty in a semi public area! That would really spice up our love life. -GG  
  
Hell. No. -AD  
  
It was worth a shot. -GG  
  


Letter Eight:  


_Dear GGAD,_

  
  
What do you do to help your partner if he had a bad day?  
  
It helps if GG runs me a bath. We get in together and he gently washes me all over. I just feel so loved and cherished. And that can lead to other things if you get my drift. -AD  
  
I like it when AD reminds me how powerful and brilliant I am. For some reason, flattery really works. And blow jobs, lots of blow jobs. -GG  
  
Cuddling works for him too. -AD  
  
A bit of cuddling. But mostly compliments about how great I am. -GG  
  
A LOT of cuddling. And head scratches. And foot massages. -AD  
  
Spill all of my secrets, why don’t you. -GG

  
  
Letter Nine:  
  
_Dear GGAD,_  
  
My significant other won’t commit to me. We’ve been casually dating for six months and I really need to be in a committed relationship in order to be fulfilled. I keep bringing it up and they always change the subject. I don’t want to lose them, but I don’t want to waste my time either. What should I do?  
  
Point blank, give them an ultimatum. If they’re not willing to commit, dump their ass. -GG  
  
He can’t ‘dump their ass’ as they were never officially together in the first place. -AD  
  
Well, aren’t we picky today! You know what I meant. -GG  
  
Instead of pressuring them to make a split-second decision, give them a few days to think about it. Find out why they don’t want to commit. They could’ve been hurt in a past relationship and not want to risk getting hurt again. Sit them down and patiently explain how much it means to you to have them commit and reassure them that you’re not going to cheat on them. Sincerely ask them to trust you. Then ask them again what they want to do after they’ve had time to think about it. If they decide not to commit, it’s time to let them go. Make sure you have lots of chocolate on hand in case that happens. But if they do, now you can rest easy knowing your relationship is solid. -AD

Letter Ten:

 _Dear GGAD,_  
  
My partner used legilimency on me when I was falling asleep. He claims that it was only to find out what my sexual fantasies were so he can fulfill them but now I feel like I can’t trust him. What do I do?  
  
That’s kind of hot. Once I let AD use legilimency on me. Sharing our thoughts was one of the most intimate experiences I’ve ever had. But I’ll admit, your circumstances are a bit weird. -GG  
  
That’s a severe breach of privacy. Don’t stand for it! To use GG’s words, dump his ass. -AD  


Gellert and Albus set their responses aside for the moment as they had reached their usual amount of letters. 

“I really wasn’t your first crush?” Gellert looked crestfallen.

“You would’ve been had I known you earlier,” Albus assured him. “But you can’t hold this against me. Most people have schoolboy or schoolgirl crushes. Why should it be any different for me? Besides, it happened before we met.”

“True,” Gellert allowed. “But it still makes me jealous.”

Albus leaned over and kissed his cheek. “No need to worry, darling. I only have eyes for you. I will never stray.”

“Good,” said Gellert. "Neither will I - I promise." He smiled at Albus. “Now, should we get back to what we were doing?”

“You read my mind, love,” said Albus. Closing his eyes, he leaned in for the kiss, anticipating so much more.

.~.

End Chapter 6 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gellert gets defensive. Albus gives honest answers. You know, the usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks guys for reviewing CTB! I like to update this fun fic after I do the real work on that fic. Hope you enjoy. Also, I have discovered the strikethrough! Fun has been had.

Disclaimer: JKR owns it and she’s my favorite person ever. Today. Whatever. She’s awesome!

.~.

Chapter Seven

.~.

Albus and Gellert were nestled together on the couch in Bathilda Bagshot’s living room, surrounded by books, quills, an inkwell, parchment, unopened letters, and an empty container of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans. 

Gellert reached for the container to find that it was disappointingly empty. It wasn’t really a shock, but he decided to give Albus grief about it because he could.

“Really, Albus?” Gellert shook his head. “I only got a handful of beans when you opened it. I thought we were sharing.”

“It’s your fault,” Albus said with a teasing smile. “You know you have to be aggressive about getting your fair share when it comes to sweets. You didn’t do it, and so I had to conclude that you were graciously giving the rest to me.”

Gellert rolled his eyes even as he reached for his boyfriend’s hand. “That’s really not how sharing works, Albus.”

“We’re supposed to share the pendant but I let you wear it most days,” Albus pointed out, unconsciously taking Gellert’s hand. “Because I am a kind boyfriend and I know how obsessed you are with it.”

“Am not,” said Gellert with a pout which Albus did _not_ find adorable. “Well, I guess we’re even then.” He leaned in to kiss Albus, as often happened whenever they spoke of their pendant and blood pact, which was still so new to them. Then they heard another voice and reluctantly pulled apart for propriety’s sake, although Gellert didn’t let go of Albus’ hand. 

“Goodbye, boys,” Bathilda called from the kitchen, but she didn’t leave before patting Albus and Gellert on the tops of their heads. “I’m off to the conference. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” She winked at them, causing Albus to blush and Gellert to smirk. Then Bathilda left the house, leaving the two teenage boys all alone together.

This prompted a passionate make-out session that could’ve turned into something else had an owl not tapped on the window.

“Albus, don’t answer it,” Gellert begged, but Albus had already shimmied out of his arms. He let the owl inside and took the letter from its beak, motioning for it to come inside so it could drink some water and eat a few treats in the kitchen.

“Albus, you sure spoil those things,” Gellert complained when Albus returned.

“He had a long journey,” Albus defended himself, showing Gellert the return address. “This one was all the way from Russia. How a Russian wizard got ahold of our column, I’ll never know.”

“It’s wonderful we’re reaching such a wide audience,” said Gellert as Albus tore open the letter.

“Ooh, this is a great question!” Albus enthused, his eyes twinkling mischievously. “Can we respond to some of the letters now?”

“Oh, fine,” Gellert sighed, but he secretly was looking forward to it as much as Albus was. He quite enjoyed adding his own ‘creative answers’ in response to Albus’ practical ones. 

They gathered the necessary supplies and began to answer their standard ten letters in preparation for their next advice column. Soon all that could be heard was the furious scratching of quills on their parchment.

  
Letter One:

_Dear GGAD,_

_I bought my partner a necklace the other day to commemorate our one year anniversary but he doesn’t want to wear it because he thinks that men don’t wear necklaces. The necklace is an infinity symbol, so it should be obvious why I chose it. It’s very small and unobtrusive. How do you feel about men wearing symbolic necklaces?_

I suppose it depends on the person if they feel comfortable or not doing so, but I am quite partial to wearing a special necklace that symbolizes my commitment to GG. If I don’t want anyone to see it, I tuck it into my shirt. I love the feel of it against my skin, as it reminds me of our vow of fidelity… and more. Maybe you could ask him to do that as a compromise? -AD

HE DOESN’T WANT TO WEAR IT?!?! What the hell is _wrong_ with him? Wearing a necklace symbolizing commitment is the best thing in the world! Well, except for sex with my boyfriend. So, AD and I share a ‘commitment necklace’, for lack of a better word. It’s the closest thing we can get to an engagement ring. I love proudly displaying it on my person for all to see, although they don’t know the significance. I hide it in plain sight. If your partner is concerned about looking manly, I would remind him that gender norms are only what you make of them. You also might want to inform him how much it would mean to you if he wore it. Good luck. -GG

You really like wearing it that much? Oh, darling, I love you so much. -AD

 ~~You are my reason for breathing~~. You’re pretty great too. -GG

  
Letter Two:  
  
_Dear GGAD,_

_My partner doesn’t like to share personal things about himself. How can I get him to feel safe enough to where he can be vulnerable with me?_

Plying him with alcohol is always a helpful solution. -GG

GG, that is a horrible answer! Please, don’t listen to my immature boyfriend. A way that you can help him feel safe enough to share with you about his past is if you open up to him first. Start with ‘low risk’ scenarios. After providing your answer first, ask him about an embarrassing moment he had at school, or what his dream job is. After he feels comfortable with that, you can slowly ease into the more heavy topics. Soon you’ll have him sharing everything with you about his past and sexual history. -AD

That’s not what happened with me. -GG

Of course not, darling. -AD

Letter Three:

_Dear GGAD,_

_I’m courting a muggle. How do I explain to him that I belong to this magical world that he knows nothing about without scaring him away?_

Pull out your wand and cast a levitating spell on him. That should do the trick. -GG

 _Don’t_ use any magic or spells that will shock or scare him. Sit him down and calmly explain the truth about the Wizarding World and offer proof when he asks. Tell him that you would never use your magic to harm or manipulate him in any way and explain in rudimentary terms how a wand works. Please hold off on telling him about Dark Wizards, Azkaban, or Legilimency right away. Focus on the wonderful things about our world. If he wants to go out into the Wizarding World, take him to a wizarding pub and invite your friends along. Buy him a butterbeer, and introduce him to your friends, who have been briefed beforehand to keep the conversation light and not reveal anything horrible about our world. That will come later, if you two are serious about your relationship and he needs to know. Best of luck! -AD

Letter Four:

 _Dear GGAD,_  
  
How can I get my partner to try something new in the bedroom that they are hesitant about?  
  
I have a lot of experience with this. I always want to try new things in the bedroom and sometimes it takes a lot of coaxing for AD to agree. Remind your partner that you won’t think differently about them after the fact, especially if it’s an act or position that has a degrading stigma attached to it. Pull them into your arms and tell them this is an act of love and that you would really appreciate them putting their trust in you. That usually works. -GG  
  
That’s exactly what I do too. I wish to add that sometimes people have hard limits and no matter how much you beg and plead, they might not want to do something and you have to accept that. Right, GG? -AD  
  
Right, love. -GG  
  
And if you tried something for a while mainly to please him but you ultimately hate it or feel uncomfortable doing it, tell him. Just because you tried something and liked it semi-well enough at first doesn’t mean that you have to keep doing it. People change their minds. It happens. Don’t keep your true feelings inside. Communicate with your partner. Please! It can ward off fights. Not that we’ve had that happen or anything. -AD

Letter Five:

_Dear GGAD,_

_My SO clearly wants to take our kissing a step further, but I feel a bit hesitant. He’s a redhead and rumour has it that redheads can be quite fiery, not to say fierce, during love-making. Do either of you have experience with redheaded wizards? Should I be afraid?_

I have had several different partners that I’ve made out with. One of which, ~~is~~ was a redhead. He ~~is~~ was extremely passionate when we kiss, but I don’t see that as a detriment. I really enjoy how passionate he ~~is~~ was and it really adds spice to our intimate activities. ~~I’ve been told I’m a slut for tongue.~~ However, you may not feel the same. I’d suggest going a bit further to see if you like it, but only if you’re feeling comfortable. Then at least, you’ll know. -GG

I’ve never been with a redhead, only GG. -AD

~~What about when you’ve pleasured yourself? Does that count? -GG~~

Moving on. -AD

Letter Six:

_Dear GGAD,_

_My partner and I have been together so long that I feel our love life has stagnated. Do you have any ideas for romantic dates?_

I am very partial to picnics under the stars. I think it’s a very romantic setting. I also like cooking dinner together and trying new recipes, especially for desserts. And dancing with my boyfriend is always romantic, even if there is no music. Staring up into his ~~mismatched~~ eyes often gets me hot and bothered, which can be helpful if that is where you’re wanting the evening to go. -AD

If you can find an establishment that caters to people like us, that could be an option. Just be extra careful and have an escape plan in case the police raid the establishment. -GG

I’ve never been to one of those. What’s it like? Our readers want to know. -AD

It’s not much different from a regular pub, except people like us can be openly affectionate. There are also back rooms for… other activities. However, in certain places, you’ll need to be on the lookout for drunks, who might try to grope you. But if you come with another man, they usually will respect that and leave you alone. -GG

Not sure if that’s my cup of tea, but it sounds interesting. -AD

Letter Seven:

_Dear GGAD,_

_I just went through a horrible breakup and I feel like I’m destined to be alone for the rest of my life. How can I cope with that?_

That’s terrible. Alcohol is an excellent temporary solution. -GG

It is not! GG, we have already been through this. If you need to turn to something, try ice cream. Or chocolate. Not something that could turn into a lifelong addiction. -AD

Not a lifelong addiction? You’re such a hypocrite, Mister Sweet-tooth. -GG

ANYWAY…I’m so sorry to hear that you broke up with your partner, but breakups aren’t the end of the world. Take this time to relearn things about yourself that you like. Get in touch with your feelings. Find a way to better yourself so that when the next man comes along you can feel more confident when you ask them out. And try to remember that you are wonderful, even if you’re not with someone and that you don’t need to be in a relationship to feel happy. -AD

That last line is complete bullshit. Everyone knows you need a relationship to be fulfilled. -GG

No, you don’t! GG, you’re not helping things. -AD

I thought we were supposed to be honest. I felt completely unfulfilled until I met you. -GG

Aw, that’s so sweet… wait a second. Don’t listen to him. It’s really true you can be happy when you are single. -AD

~~You’re weren’t. -GG~~

~~You’re right. -AD~~

Letter Eight:

_Dear GGAD,_

_What do I do if someone close to me finds out about me and my partner and incessantly teases me about it? It’s very annoying and I can’t get them to stop. Any advice?_

First off, count your blessings that you weren’t discovered by someone that would report you to the authorities. You are lucky to have someone so supportive in your corner. But if that someone is making you feel annoyed, you should tell them that the joke isn’t funny anymore and would they please stop. That should clear it up. -AD

I feel your pain. AD has a very annoying sibling and sometimes it feels like he knows about us. He keeps insinuating that we can barely last an hour without contacting each other in some form. Clearly, he is delusional. -GG

Actually, that part is true. -AD

Shush. I’ve tried cursing one of his pets but instead of getting him to stop, it backfired and only made him mad and more determined to make fun of us. So don’t do that. -GG

I thought that was common sense, but sometimes GG is lacking in that area. -AD

Hey! At least I’m not lacking in another area. -GG

He’s not. It’s quite lovely. -AD

Letter Nine:

_Dear GG,_

_Why do you not like bondage-related activities? Do you not trust your partner? How does AD feel about this?_

No, that’s not it at all. I trust AD in all things, and that includes bedroom activities. I just don’t like the idea of giving my power up to someone else, even if it is to the one that I love more than any other in this world. -GG

I understand that GG has a hard limit with this, and I respect that. But every once and a while I will bring it up, and ask if his feelings have changed. It is one of my deepest fantasies, to have GG tied up and at my mercy. Not just for the sexual pleasure, but as a trust exercise. It does hurt my feelings a bit that he doesn’t want to do this. -AD

I didn’t know you felt so strongly about it. -GG

Now you know. -AD

You know, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if you handcuffed me. Just for a bit, to see if I like it. Perhaps I should try something out of my comfort zone. Merlin knows I’ve asked you to do that countless times. -GG

I don’t want to pressure you into it, but if you’re certain, I would like that very much. -AD

But you have to promise that if I ask you to stop, you will release me that instant. -GG

Of course, darling. For our readers, if you have already experimented with bondage, please remember to always have a safe word, so that the submissive partner can feel safe. -AD

What’s our safe word going to be? -GG

I’m hardly going to write it here. -AD

Good point. -GG

Letter Ten:

_Dear GGAD,_

_My partner’s father has been a complete asshole to him and in turn, me. We’re thinking about getting back at him and taking him to court for libel, as he claims to have proof of our ‘activities’. We think he’s bluffing. However, there’s a small possibility he could prove that my partner and I have engaged in homosexual relations. Do you think it’s worth the risk? Also, what is all this nonsense about spells and wizards?_

“Uh oh.” Albus handed the letter to Gellert to read. “Looks like this one’s a muggle. How did that happen? What are we supposed to do?”

“Not much we can do about it now. Write him back,” said Gellert with a shrug after he read it. 

“Very well.” Albus grabbed his quill.

No, it’s not worth getting caught and sent to jail. In no circumstances should you take that risk. Do not put yourself or your partner in danger. -AD

I agree, it’s definitely not worth it. Besides, there are so many other creative ways that you can get revenge on someone and not get caught. Not that I’ve ever thought about this or anything. Write back if you’re interested in hearing my ideas. -GG

“Goodness, I hope he takes our advice,” said Albus, deciding not to comment on Gellert’s response about revenge.

“Me too,” said Gellert. “One can never be too careful in this day and age, especially if you’re a muggle.”

“I’m so glad we don’t have to hide while we’re here,” said Albus, pushing their supplies aside so he can snuggle up to Gellert. “We’re lucky your aunt supports us.”

“I know,” Gellert said quietly as he tightened his arms around Albus. “Especially when many people like us don’t have that kind of support.” 

“In a way, I’m kind of glad that my mother passed on,” said Albus with a sigh. “I know that sounds terrible, but she never would’ve accepted us being together. And she would’ve figured it out quickly. Then I wouldn’t have been allowed to see you.”

“That would’ve been awful.” Gellert shuddered. “Well, in any case, I have you now.”

“Yes, let’s just focus on that.”

“And our Greater Good.”

Albus smiled knowingly at Gellert. “Yes. We will make the world a better place for all of Wizardkind.”

“First, we’ll help your sister,” Gellert vowed. “And we’ll prevent any other Wizarding children from being attacked by muggles and having their magic turn against them.”

“Is that a promise?” Albus teased.

“It is.” And Gellert sealed it with a kiss.

.~.

End Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all had some laughs! :P Let me know in the comments section what other romance or sex questions you have to ask GGAD.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Albus gets super drunk and they answer more letters. Crack ensues!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Nobody caught the Oscar Wilde reference question at the end of Chapter 7? Oh well, I guess it was too obscure. :P 
> 
> Ihaveabadfeelingaboutthis has been gently nudging me into adding another chapter to this, so I decided to do it. I’m not sure if it’s as funny as the others, but I had fun writing it. :P 

Disclaimer: JKR owns it.

_Chapter Eight_

.~.

_Bathilda Bagshot’s residence, August 1899_

“GELLERT! Oh my one true love, my constant, my touchstone, my dearest most _dar_ lingest Gell, where are thee, pray tell?” Albus called in a falsetto voice from the kitchen.

Gellert looked up from his spot on the couch, rolling his eyes as he set his book on pureblood family lineages aside, dogearing his page. “I’m in the living room, same place I was ten minutes ago.”

“Oh. Do you know that I loooove you, Gell?” Albus called. “Forever and ever and always?”

Gellert’s chest swelled at Albus' declaration. “Yes, I do. That’s what the blood pact means.” Gellert fingered the pendant, which hung around his neck on a shiny silver chain. Although he had physical evidence of their life-long promise, he would never get tired of hearing Albus saying it. How had he gotten so lucky to have someone amazing like Albus accept him with all of his faults?

“One day I will be Albus Dumbledore-Grindelwald and we can invite everyone we know to the wedding and Aberforth’s goat can be the ringbearer. Doesn’t that sound lovely?” 

Now Gellert was starting to get worried. He sat up and craned his neck, trying to spot his boyfriend in the next room. “Albus, how much wine did you drink?”

Albus stumbled into the living room. He gave a cute little hiccup before raising his silver goblet and chugging it before carelessly tossing it away. He whirled around the room, his purple waistcoat flying out behind him. “Not _that_ much.” Albus plopped down on the couch next to his boyfriend. “Just three glasses.”

“Three!” Gellert shook his head as Albus leaned towards him and started to nuzzle his cheek. “Why, may I ask did you drink three glasses?”

“Mmm, you smell good.” Albus took a whiff of Gellert’s scent and sighed happily. “I wanted to answer our letters drunk. I thought it might be more fun that way.”

“Well, I can’t argue with that stellar logic.” Gellert grinned wickedly. “This is going to be excellent! Why don’t you gather all of our supplies?”

“I’m too drunk. You should do it. Pleeeeeeeeeeeease, Gell?” Albus slowly stripped off his purple waistcoat, leaving behind a very thin white shirt that was mostly unbuttoned, showing off his defined milky white chest. He gave an adorable pout and Gellert immediately relented because he was weak when it came to Albus flashing skin. 

“Fine. I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere,” Gellert ordered as he ran out of the room, muttering under his breath about how Albus was the wife in the relationship. He soon returned with all of their supplies, along with a large bag of letters, which had been piling up because Gellert and Albus had been spending most of their time either shagging or planning their revolution or sometimes both at the same time. (Nothing made Gellert come harder than the thought of toppling the system and ruling the world with Albus at his side.)

Gellert glared at Albus, who had since sprawled out over the entire couch. “Hey! Where the hell am I supposed to sit?”

Albus shrugged. “You can sit on me? Or lay on me is more like it.” He suggestively patted himself.

Gellert chuckled as Albus' fingers gestured down towards his crotch. “That sounds lovely, but I really like the idea of you answering letters drunk. We shouldn’t miss that opportunity.”

Albus gave a small frown as if he was trying to remember what he'd just said. “And _then_ can you have me?”

Gellert carefully repositioned Albus into a seated position so they could both comfortably lounge on the couch and have enough room to write answers. “I will definitely take you up on that tempting offer, love.” He gave Albus a long kiss. “Right after we finish these.”

“Okay,” Albus eagerly agreed. 

Gellert dumped out the letters on the floor in front of them and wandlessly called one to him. He tore open the letter and reached for a quill to pen his response. “Ooh, this is interesting. Let’s start with this one.” 

Letter One: 

_What do you do when your SO does something that embarrasses you?_

GG: AD hasn’t managed to really embarrass me. Nothing really rattles me, so it’s therefore impossible for AD to do so. 

AD: *coyly* Oh really? What about that time I told my brother what a lovely cock you had while you were in the room with us?

GG: *flushes* While I am proud you think so, I think anyone would be embarrassed if that scenario happened to them. 

AD: I rest my case.

Letter Two: 

_Have you ever done it in water?_

AD: Yes. Once we magically enlarged our bathtub, filled it with hot water, and had relations in said bathtub. It was very hot and steamy. *giggles* Get it?

GG: Merlin, your puns are awful even when you’re drunk.

AD: Here’s a sex tip. Be sure not to make the water too hot or you or your partner might faint. Sometimes it can be helpful to bring a glass of cool water near the tub to sip on. 

GG: Wow, you still act like a teacher even when you’re drunk. Anyway… yes, water. I love playing in the shower, especially when I can talk AD into bending over for me if you catch my drift. *winks* He’s very good at wiggling his pert little arse for me.

AD: Anything for you, my dearest love. *blows him a kiss*

Letter Three: 

_How would you react if I sent you a dirty photo?_

AD: I’m not sure if I would look at it if you were naked, as I might feel like I was cheating on GG. But if you were at least wearing a loincloth, I would definitely drool over it to my heart’s content. Even though I’m taken, I can still look, right? 

GG: Yes, you can look but only for a few seconds. We don’t want my jealousy to flare up. For me, it depends on what it was. If it was a picture of your cock which was impressive, I might pass it off as my own, so fair warning. You should know that I have quite an appreciation for the male form. If it was a sexy naked picture, I would definitely admire it. ~~Or save it for wank material.~~

AD: WHAT?! How is that fair? Besides, darling, I thought you said you only ever wanked to thinking about me.

GG: Heh, of course, I do. Dearest. 

AD: Then why are you sweating?

GG: ~~Shit.~~ No reason!

Letter Four: 

_Dear GGAD, my boyfriend and I live in a very, very traditional community. If we want to stay alive, we have to keep a low profile all the time. My bloody boyfriend, however, insists on wearing purple waistcoats and shirts with paisley patterns. Purple and paisley! He might as well cast a Sonorus charm and scream 'I'm a homosexual' all over the village! What, by Morgana's bra, can I do?_

GG: There’s absolutely nothing you can do if your boyfriend has horrible fashion sense. Trust me on that. Just accept it as best you can and move on with your life.

AD: HEY! What exactly are you implying?

GG: *gulps* Not a thing! Your obsession with purple and floral patterns is totally, um, normal and not gay at all.

AD: I’ll show you normal. *turns Gellert’s black vest into a purple floral pattern*

GG: Gah! *looks down at his vest and winces* I don't think I can pull it off. *changes it back*

Letter Five:

_Dear GGAD, my best friend at wizard school is a homosexual, but he doesn't know I know. I think he doesn't want to tell me because he's scared I'll drop him. I want to tell him I'm perfectly okay with it, but how do I go about that, without giving him the feeling I'm forcing him to come out?_

AD: Aw, you sound like such a great friend! You should gently take your friend aside and tell them that if they hypothetically knew anyone who might be inclined towards the same sex that you would support them. He should get the message after that and most likely will confide his secret in you. Thank you so much for being so understanding. The world needs more people like you in it.

GG: *glances at the back of the letter* Huh. It’s signed, AD’s best friend.

AD: WHAT?!?! You mean, ~~Elph~~... er he knew the whole time?! 

GG: *smirks* Apparently so. 

AD: How the hell did he figure it out? *grabs his purple waistcoat and twirls about the room* Weee! Dancing is fun!

GG: *sarcastically* Gee, I wonder.

Letter Six:

_If I’m consistently the bottom, does this mean that I’m the ‘woman’ in the relationship?_

AD: What a load of hogwash! Just because you are the bottom in bed doesn’t mean that you are ‘submissive’ in real life. Besides, that’s also insulting to women. There is no need to cling to such outdated stereotypes. My boyfriend certainly doesn’t.

GG: *slyly* So you’re really not the woman?

AD: *glares*

Letter Seven _:_

_I’m a natural Legilimens and I’m too afraid to tell my new partner because it comes with complications. Sometimes when I widen my range too much, I am bombarded by everyone’s thoughts and I sink in on myself. When that happens, I experience debilitating headaches and sometimes I even have panic attacks when the voices become all too much. How can I ever burden my partner with courting someone messed up like me?_

AD: You will not burden your partner if they love you for all that you are. My beloved GG has a similar situation but I certainly don’t hold his, erm, gift against him. I try my best to help him as much as I can and give him constant reassurance that I will never leave him due to his power. As long as your partner is okay with calming you down whenever you have a panic attack, it will work out. You are perfect as you are – never doubt that. 

GG: Thank you, darling. *wet spots appear on the parchment* Be sure to tell your partner as soon as possible about your gift to show that you trust them. I’m so lucky that AD has accepted me and all the complications that come with loving me. He slowly convinced me that I was worthy of love. I hope that happens for you as well. Good luck!

Letter Eight: 

_What is your favorite pet name that your partner has given you?_

AD: Pet names? Sometimes he calls me his treasure and it makes me tear up. Also, I love it when he calls me by my full name including adding his last name into the mix. It’s quite a mouthful. But don’t worry, I’m used to it. *winks*

GG: Right now, ‘my one true love, my touchstone, my constant, my dearest most _dar_ lingest’ takes the cake. He can be very creative with pet names. I also like it when he shortens my first name to its first syllable, but I can’t write that here.

AD: You should share the ones I’ve given your cock. *winks*

GG: *hastily* Wow, oookay, you've definitely let down your inhibitions. Maybe next time.

Letter Nine: 

_Are there any kinks that you are into, the kinkier the better?_

AD: Yes. *pulls out the blood pact pendant from around Gellert’s neck, unbuttons Gellert’s shirt and gently drags it over Gellert’s skin* 

GG: *shivers* Merlin, I have never been more turned on. I love you.

AD: *beams* I know.

Letter Ten:

_My SO is a shapeshifter and it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know if I can keep dating him because he doesn’t like to spend much time as his real self, who I fell in love with. Please advise._

AD: I would be worried that he is trying to hide something from you if he doesn’t want to spend the majority of his time in his original form. You should ask yourself if you fell in love with his personality or his looks. Once you sort that out, it will help you figure out what to do.

 _However_ , can he shapeshift into someone by just looking at their picture? If so, could you have him morph into Quidditch star Viktorius Krum and send him naked to this address for a day? Yummy! He has _such_ a sexy accent. Just like GG. *winks*

GG: Huh, I didn’t know you could be into threesomes. Maybe I should get you drunk more often.

AD: I meant hypothetically! Besides, I know you wouldn’t share.

GG: True, true. Back to the question… dating a shapeshifter sounds really exciting! How is this a problem? He can give you all the variety you need to spice up your sex life. Also, you (technically) get to have sex with multiple partners while still enjoying the benefits of a monogamous relationship. You’ve got it made, my lucky friend! You should definitely stay with him.

AD: Are you saying our love life needs spicing up? *starts to cry* AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?!!?

GG: Not at all! Calm down, liebling. *kisses him* You are more than enough for me. Especially when you wear that black lacy number I just bought for you for your birthday. 

AD: Mmm, is that a hint? I’ll go put it on now! *sashays up the stairs*

GG: Oh, how I love to watch AD leave. ~~That ass is mine.~~

Gellert placed his quill and parchment aside, for now, eagerly awaiting Albus' return. He wasn't disappointed. 

Albus came bounding down the stairs, proudly showing off Gellert's present.

Gellert's throat ran dry. "Merlin, Albus. It looks even better on you than it does in the advert." 

"Why thank you, darling." Albus slowly turned, giving Gellert a slow preview. Then he crept forward. "I wore this just for you... oomph!" Albus looked up at Gellert and giggled, having literally fallen into his lap. 

Gellert chuckled as he helped Albus find a good position on his lap. “You know, for being soused, you’re a good writer, Albie. I forgot how good we are at this. Why’d we take so long to respond this time? We’ll have to do better.” 

Albus was already diving into a new letter and reading it.

“Hey, we’ve already done ten questions,” Gellert whined. “I was going to have you, remember?”

“This isn't a question, though.” Albus waved the new letter under Gellert’s nose. “This is hysterical! I’ll read it to you.” He cleared his throat. 

“GGAD, I’ve just found your address on a piece of paper under my son’s bed. I don’t know who you are or what you do – and I don’t want to know – but I COMMAND you not to reply to any letter sent to you by Abraxas M*****. I won’t have any Opium Crackers or Escort Witches or whatever is it you provide delivered to our manor. This is a respectable household, thank you very much!”

“Holy shit, Abraxas Malfoy’s father wrote to us?!” Albus exclaimed before he was overcome by a giggle attack. To Gellert's annoyance, it took him a few minutes to calm down. “I always suspected that boy was queer.”

“Did you know him?” Gellert’s interest was piqued.

“He went to Hogwarts when I was there, but I didn’t know him well, as he was in Slytherin. He had a girlfriend, but apparently he always brought his male best friend on their dates. They were always punching each other and roughhousing, always casually touching each other at every possible moment.” Albus grinned. “I always thought something fishy was going on there.” 

“Always touching? Hmm, that sounds like you and me. I wish that I’d gone to Hogwarts with you,” Gellert purred, pulling Albus close and nibbling on his left ear. “We would’ve fucked alllll over the school.”

“I don’t know if I… ah…. would’ve let you,” said Albus, his face flushing at the idea. “Snogging, yes, but going all the way? I was Head Boy, I had to set a… mmm… good example for the other students.”

“You would’ve let me,” Gellert said confidently. “You wouldn’t have been able to resist my charms. Or my dick.” He placed Albus’ hand on his twitching groin. 

“Time to go upstairs!” Albus squeaked out before casting all the necessary privacy and silencing charms around them. There were some things that even the wonderful person who set them up, Bathilda Bagshot, didn't need to hear if she happened to come home early from her best-selling book tour.

.~.

End Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drunk Albus is silly but his serious side still shines through. I used all the questions that people left in the comments, so please if you want me to continue, leave a romance or sex question in the comments. Thanks!
> 
> Not really sure if the timelines match up for Abraxas (Draco's grandfather) to know Albus in 1899, but whatever. It was a cute comment, so I put it in.
> 
> "He had a girlfriend, but apparently he always brought his male best friend on their dates. They were always punching each other and roughhousing, always casually touching each other at every possible moment.” = Merthur reference. You're welcome.
> 
> Y'all, please check out Closer Than Brothers Part III! This one isn't depressing, I promise! Thank you :)

**Author's Note:**

> If you have a sex question you’d like to ask GGAD, leave it in the comments section and it just might get answered in the next chapter!


End file.
